We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
