I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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