new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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