I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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