she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
