Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm experimenting with sincerity
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
