his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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