It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
