I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
