i was born a porn star she said
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
