If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
