buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
