I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
