As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
