if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
