I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
