I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
