Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
