That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize