does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Are my feet made of real feet?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
