In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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