So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The air was thick with penises
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
