I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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