I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
