The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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