I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
