I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
