I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
