Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
