i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
