I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
