fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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