I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
