if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
