you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
