Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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