quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
