i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
