All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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