I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
