Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
