JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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