I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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