how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize