You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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