Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
