Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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