We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize