you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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