I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
