You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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