Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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