So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
