I accidentally burped into my bong.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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