I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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