Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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