He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
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