My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
