I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
